Viking women surprisingly ugly
A digital reconstruction of the face of a Viking woman buried at the site of Coppergate in York, carried out by a team from the University of Dundee, has called into question some traditional assumptions about these Nordic invaders.
Benedict Watson, a researcher on the project, said he was shocked to see the result of the reconstruction. “I have to admit, I shuddered,” he said. “I had always assumed that Viking women all looked like blonde Swedish supermodels, but if we’ve got this right this one looked more like Shrek’s cousin. I’ve rarely seen anyone with such an intense concentration of unpleasant facial features. Look at her eyebrows! Ugh. just put it away, will you?”
This groundbreaking research shows that far from being strong yet beautiful Valkyrie types, or slender, elegant shield-maidens like Eowyn out of The Lord of the Rings, we may have to begin to accept that Viking women were stout, square-jawed old washerwomen with terrible taste in bonnets.
By Prawn
Cake wars
A startling new discovery could hint at the baked origins of an ancient mass war grave.
A tablet has been found at the Iron Age hill fort at Fin Cop, Derbyshire depicting two men dressed in subtly different tunics, one running the other through with a spear.
A tablet has been found at the Iron Age hill fort at Fin Cop, Derbyshire depicting two men dressed in subtly different tunics, one running the other through with a spear.
Each of the men were holding what appeared to be a pastry.
The find came from a recently uncovered ditch surrounding the hill fort near Bakewell containing 9 skeletons, all showing evidence of impact trauma.
The mass grave is thought to be evidence of a brutal conflict between two local clans, but until now there has been no solid interpretation of the reasons behind the fighting.
As finds were finally washed and sorted from the excavation, a small carved stone tablet was found hidden in a large bag of potsherds. “Bloody diggers,” said Regina Lansbury, the specialist who examined the find, “They just think that it’s flat-ish so it may as well go in the pottery bag.”
“When I examined the carving more closely, it became clear to me what was going on,” Baked-goods specialist Molly Crispin told RTP. “The pastries are of two similar but distinct types: one is a Bakewell Tart and the other is a Bakewell Pudding”.
Hostility has been documented since the 1800s between those in this seemingly sleepy region of Derbyshire who favour the Bakewell Tart, made famous by Mr Kipling’s cherry version, and those who prefer the Bakewell Pudding, a puff-pastry confection with an almond and egg custard filling. This new find indicates that the dispute began more than 2,200 years earlier than previously thought.
Richard Stamford, an expert in ancient conflict, told us that these graves are a tragic example of how a minor cultural difference can escalate into full-scale war. “I imagine it began with friendly banter between the two factions at the local ale-house. And then some poor sod drunkenly said something he shouldn’t have – probably along the lines of ‘Your mother is a Bakewell Tart’ – and inadvertently started this tragic blood-feud”. It seems that the bodies from Fin Cop, along with a similar mass interment at a fortified Iron Age settlement a few miles away, were the victims of this quarrel.
Although at a much lower level, this hostility continues in the present day. Mavis Black, proprietor of The Old Original Bakewell Pudding Shop, said: “It’s a shame when a disagreement this trivial gets all blown out of proportion. Live and let live, that’s what I say. Although obviously the Bakewell Pudding is the real deal, the Bakewell Tart is nothing but a cheap, mass-produced commercial version of the true pastry of Derbyshire”.
The find also calls into question the origin of the Bakewell Pudding. Current thinking holds that the dessert was accidentally created when a mischievous boggart began playing tricks on the cook at the Rutland Arms hotel in Bakewell, but this will have to be reconsidered in light of this new evidence.
Reporting by Prawn
Is theory dead?
Leading proponents of post-processual archaeology were last night trying desperately to resuscitate the bloated corpse of archaeological theory, in the wake of a wave of backlash against the forced categorization and unnecessary over-intellectualisation which has characterised archaeology since the demise of the New Archaeology.
It all began when hundreds of disenfranchised young researchers across the world started to realise that their current projects could not be stacked into neat little boxes labelled ‘feminist’, ‘cognitive’, or ‘phenomenological’.
Sarah Richards, a postgraduate student from Manchester, explained the predicament. “I was racing to finish the last chapter of my MA thesis, when the thought suddenly struck me that I had at no point explicitly stated my theoretical standpoint,” she said. “So I grabbed my copy of Archaeology: The Key Concepts and frantically searched for a theoretical paradigm which would suitably encompass my research methods and aims. But I just drew a blank: I focus equally on men and women, so is it a feminist approach? I’m interested in cultural change, so is this therefore an exercise in evolutionary archaeology? I also rely on the objective analysis of scientific data – does this make me an old-fashioned, ‘New Archaeologist’?”
Richards’ revelation came when decided that it was better to make her own interpretations than to try and shoe-horn her work into someone else’s understanding of how archaeological remains should be interpreted. “I felt elated,” she told RTP, “Like a great burden had been lifted from my shoulders. Instead of writing about theory, I stuck in a paragraph about why it was all a load of bullshit, and sent the damned thing to the printer.”
This new approach has drawn criticism from the establishment. Dr Tarquin Harvey-Kensington, whose recent publications include Experiencing the Sleep-Scape: Interpreting the Human Environment through Tea-Breaks and Naps, gave a statement to RTP in which he belittled the new approach. Dr Harvey-Kensington said it was “preposterous” that young researchers such as Ms Richards should interpret the past using their own ideas, when “they haven´t even read any Heidegger, for example, or Bourdieu. Or at least a book about them by someone else. I personally would recommend Archaeology: The Key Concepts, it really is rather good”.
Meanwhile Tom Proudfoot, a digger from Peterborough, welcomed the change in approach, saying that not only was it acceptable and indeed useful to draw on different approaches for different purposes, but that sometimes theory was a total waste of space. He showed RTP a pit separated from the houses at a site by some metres’ distance. “See this?” he said, “Habitus tells us that the function and nature of this feature were established by the social routine associated with it – the several times a day that people would visit this building both confirmed and re-interpreted its purpose. Phenomenology tells us that we should think beyond its simple utility, and imagine the sights, sounds and smells which would be associated with it. Well, I’d rather not. Just like the ancient inhabitants of this site, I know that this feature is a latrine because of the simple fact that it is full of shit”.
Reporting by Prawn
Aliens did inspire our ancient ancestors to build the pyramids
An architect from an earth-like planet in Alpha Centauri, today answered questions at a press conference held in Cairo about his involvement with the Great Pyramid of Giza.
Ronald Trunt, aged 4,800, surprised tourists when he was seen near to the Great Pyramid around dusk yesterday.
At a press conference today he explained that he had indeed visited earth around
the time of the ancient Egyptians, and 'gave a hand with some building designs'.
When questioned on why he had come back to the very building he had helped to create Trunt said: “I left my favourite pencil behind.” Adding: “Really I only gave them a few pointers, they were a terribly bright bunch you know.”
Trunt then shyly produced photographs of a number of buildings on his planet made to his designs, all showing an clear resemblance to Egyptian pyramids.
Initial onlookers yesterday evening mistook Trunt, who is 8ft, 11inches, green and covered in a fine downy fur, for tourist attraction. After having his photo taken with a number of families, a young boy tried to remove his head, mistaking it for a costume, at which point Trunt explained that was 'just how I look, son.'
Today a the long debated question in the academic archaeological community of whether aliens inspired the Egyptians has now been answered, but remarkably there remain a number of skeptics.
Dr. Marjorie Pelt, an archaeologist from the University of East Grinstead said: “While I accept that Mr Trunt is indeed an alien from outer space, I am totally unwilling to believe his unsubstantiated claims that he helped the Egyptians in any way. Those photographs could clearly have been digitally manipulated.”
RTP Showbiz!
• The new Colin Renfrew biopic, simply titled Colin, will start shooting in July. It stars Hugh Grant as the archaeo-lord, and will focus on his first decades in academia. Clint Eastwood directs an all-star cast including Casey Mulligan as undergraduate student Annabel Jones and Kiefer Sutherland as Lewis Binford.
• The next instalment of the Indiana Jones series is set to take a realistic turn. An insider said that star Shia LaBoeuf is taking GIS lessons and has just returned from a field school in Idaho. The film has been provisionally titled Indiana Jones and the Matrix of Doom. Suggestions that Edward C. Harris himself will have a cameo role have been dismissed by George Lucas.
• In an exclusive interview with RTP, Katy Perry has revealed how she has tamed wild-man husband Russell Brand. Perry said “We go fieldwalking on weekends”, adding that “Russell has become so interested in Stonehenge that we are going on a double date with the Parker-Pearsons!”.
• 1980s double act Shanks and Tilley have been busy writing a book about the theoretical scene back in their youth and credit an unexpected source for much of their inspiration. “Duran Duran played a big role in helping us form our theoretical frameworks” said Tilley. “Yeah, we really owe a debt of gratitude to Simon Le Bon” added Shanks. The as-yet-untitled retrospective is set to hit the shops in time for Christmas.
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